AU, Been There, Done That
by FreakingCrazy
Summary: A small group of poems that poke at some clichés. Not meant to be offensive, made in good fun.
1. Poem

**The AU We All Know**

With this AU, comes a well-known spin,

Little Harry will obviously be put in Slytherin,

Now he wasn't raised quite just right,

Something probably changed on that Halloween night,

No matter what it may be,

When Hagrid comes in, he won't believe what he'll see!

Maybe the Dursley's are dead or Harry just ran,

Or perhaps the boy was raised an American!

Yes, someone else will have raised him, whether it be,

Wild venomous snakes or the Addams family,

He's related through some crazy blood ritual,

Which made him their effective equal,

He'll be a strong healthy boy,

Harry'll treat death as a simple fun toy,

Knockturn alley, his favorite place to go,

Those "light" wizards are pompous gits, superstitiously so,

When he enters Hogwarts, he'll cause quite a din,

Now let's go decide who's the favorite Slytherin OC stand in.

There's Theodore Nott,

Who constantly switches from good guy to arrogant snot,

Then there's Daphne Greengrass, sweet as a newborn hare,

Wait, never mind, she's like fresh Devil's Snare,

The only guarantee for Zabini is that his mother's a regular black widow,

Oh dear lord, who's got Draco as Marilyn Monroe?!

Ah, Pansy, who looks like a Pug,

Diehard pureblood or sweetheart swept under the rug?

Goyle and Crabbe, whether good or bad, are a muscle headed duo,

It's always agreed that together they're less than ¼ the brains of their foe,

Mafoy's father is usually abusive, uncouth, and a rather rude tease,

OK, somebody get canon in here, please!

The story either will go on like it normally would,

Or it does a 180, just like it "should",

The Gryffindors will all be arrogant brats,

Except for the Weasley twins, when did they become prats?

Or perhaps Ron is his stupid, dull friend,

At least until he goes off the deep end,

Snape will quite quickly change his tune,

Whether impressed by Harry's knowledge or buried in a cocoon,

All this time, it'll turn out, Tom has been in his head,

Alright, author, who wants him dead?

Why manipulative old Dumbles, of course,

Suddenly the man'll have the tact of a lame horse,

He'll fumble and slip up when giving the invisibility cloak,

Which Harry will use to go out and debate with the centaur folk,

Harry will know all about the manipulation, and will try to avoid the prophecy,

At least, when he's not arguing constantly with Binns over History,

There goes the mudblood, and due to dumb insulting Ron,

She'll either adore Harry or be long, long gone,

Colin Creevey himself will be the first basilisk victim,

And he will surely die, somehow the overgrown snake will have gotten him,

Well, either that or, perhaps, well, you know that thing?

That crazy trend, where he takes Colin, the Gryffindor, under his wing?

The basilisk will just love Harry, and he'll have tea with Diary!Tom,

And Harry'll have a right laugh when he tells his dear dad and mom,

The youngest Weasley will have been such a friend,

Right up until her gory little end,

Either a basilisk snack or a part of his harem,

Little Ginny's spirit will be broken as they tear 'em,

Harry won't let that bother him, and will constantly act like a possessive people hoarder,

Don't you know? The boy'll have a thousand fans/friends/minions, in no particular order,

Yes, it's painful to think and to know,

Exactly where this "fresh" and "original" story's going to go,

Oh! But here's a twist that will make your assuming turn into what-may-have-been fluff,

Little Harry's been sorted into Hufflepuff!


	2. Dumblydore

**Dumblydore**

This is another story, which started out fine,

The scenery, characters, and action varied from nice to divine,

However, it soon took a milk-curdling turn,

It's the kind of twist that either makes a story shine or burn,

Here it is, get ready to send this fic to the floor,

We've got some good old bashing on big bad Dumblydore!

Now, this doesn't have to be an AU,

But it usually is, to make Dumblydore's actions the kind to rue,

Maybe he meant well, and acts like how he did in the book,

Then again, maybe he's mean and nasty and a downright crook,

No matter what, he's always in the wrong,

Only misguided people or stupid fools sing his song,

Maybe he is Voldemort reincarnated,

Even though he's much older and Voldy hasn't yet been decapitated.

Any how he's big, and he's bad, or he's a senile old fool,

Maybe he's given up being a manipulator in favor of being a tool?

Anyhow, he's cheated everyone and always come out on top,

Yet when Harry comes to school, he becomes a big flop!

Surely there's a reason, some charm or curse causing this nasty effect?

Nope, it's just that Harry's gone and ruined something he's set,

Dumblydore will fix it though, an experienced chess master is he…

What do you mean he gave up at step three?!

This author's gone and blown it, torn up a good character,

The excuse they come up with will be a laugh for sure,

Only the foolish, bigoted Weasley's believe in the man,

And that's only because he pays them so they can live in their garbage can,

Affect the head cheese, and you've ruined the lot,

Hermione is now going around acting like the priss she is not,

Now Dumbles knew about Sirius too, but let the guy rot in favor of the "greater good",

Why, he even knew about the Dursley's beatings(!) on Harry and let them go on just because he could,

Why, oh why, have you even read this far in?

Good lord, good plot and characters have been ruined in the bashing din!

How in the world can this be fixed, this medieval mess?

The only way to make it worse would be to toss Umbridge into the fray of all this stress!

…

Oh…

Oh _no_.

They didn't…

They couldn't…

They did.

Well, sure enough, it's the last nail in the coffin when Umbridge doesn't even try to keep her torture hid.

Dumblydore's going to get it now,

WAIT… Did he just toss out that rotten pink cow?

Was that a good action, from Dumbles, in this bashing fic?

By now, it can't be anything but a trick!

Yet… It isn't, it's a smart choice, it's reasonable, thought-out and precise!

Why, he's in character, isn't this nice?

Can this fic be saved, if it stays on this track?

Yes it can, so long as it doesn't get set back,

However, before you can get up and cheer,

The nasty bashing comes back, someone please get it away from here,

The cunning, professional, and all-around courageous Cornelius Fudge(!),

Comes and tears weak, powerless Dumbledore down into sludge,

That pink toad was a very nice lady, someway and somehow,

Even if she was cruel and mean and tried to make kids into bloody chow,

Ah, here we are, the fic has returned to its regular path,

The only ones who see a problem with this are Dumble's fans, who are just oozing with wrath,

This is an AU, but whether it be set on earth or in space,

Dumbledore smashing will get in your face,

You may not agree with his canon actions and like some bashing here and there,

But such an ill-thought-out surplus makes even a single chapter just too much to bear,

So, just like the author, though your reasons probably differ,

You cheer with delight when he dies from a light blow to the sniffer.


End file.
